@brokefloormat's timeline on Twitter .. 2 of 2
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I'm at that point where I've had plenty of coffe and plenty of cigarettes, and all I want in the world is more coffee and cigarettes.
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Yes, spring is here! I can finally start shaving outside again. Lets go easy on calling the cops this time, ok neighbors?
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I find the more I tweet, the more followers I lose. Apparently I'm turning you people off. Oh dear...
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No matter what you say or how great your advertising is, I will always know that I'm wearing a bra. K?
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Each morning I start my day with a mental workout by staring at the weights in my room and debating whether this will be the day I exercise.
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there is no way of telling whether or not vikings had dreams about skittles
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Ain’t gonna lie one bit… I’m lookin’ California but I’m definitely feelin’ Minnesota. We should dance, though.
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I just spent 7 minutes giving myself finger pistols in the mirror...so there's that
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Listen, I’m wearing a Viking helmet, a smile and nothing else but this uniquely gifted, marble-hard custom towel holder. Why the long face?
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I subtweet by RT'ing.
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Whoa Just learned that in grocery stores all of the "healthy" products such as produce line the store.With all processed foods in the middle
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Onion Soup - all the fun of drinking gravy, without the shame of people saying 'fuck sake Gerard stop drinking that gravy'.
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Just making it all up as we go along.
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You may not think I'm pretty but the 11 post-it-notes stuck to my mirror say I am.
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Made sure to argue in front of the new neighbors today so the make-up sex isn't awkward for anyone
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I unfollowed you because you're kind of a meanie and now I feel bad because maybe something bad happened to you and you just need some love.
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Twitter getting to you? Do what I do. Star shit, don't listen to complaints, ignore dramas & tweet dumb shit. Or you can be a pussy & leave.
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Why my rocket gotta have pockmarks and a dented booster? Thats not fair. I'm a good person yo.
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Don't flatter yourself Twitter, I was already wasting my life before I found you.
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I try to treat everyone on the road as a member of someone's family. And I know how you can't stand those fuckers.
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So I'm watching this porn/(movie) about hippies and Im waiting around to see if they go family style on Jennifer Anniston.
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I like staring at people with big wide open eyes & asking "Is there something wrong?" when they turn around & look at me in the Subway line.
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I love it when they delete the @ of our conversations & make me look like as if soliloquize (something which is not very far from the truth)
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"So what?! I've seen girls before!" I yelled at the igloo as it pelted me with lemons.
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Fear not, brave worriers! The demons we face this night are not our own and therefore cannot do us any lasting harm.
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startin out as a tear the mischievous liquid mighty & strong rolled down that cheek folding itself into a flower a smile broke out pain gone
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If we all had someone in our lives to keep telling us, "there's nothing wrong with you," this would probably be a better world.
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Twitter's seven years old today? Multiply by 200 million active users, factor in twitter time vs real time, that's 50 trillion wasted years.
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I almost certainly fuck things up & get it wrong. Often. Always(?) But my stupid heart's in the right fucking place.
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I'm glad we're finally turning our clocks forward. Seems that these dials have been facing the walls for like FOREVER!
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"Life is more vivid & putridly beautiful when it's cosmically sad"..said the Big Bad Wolf as he ravished Little Red Ridding Hood from behind
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Some of you even make me question my insanity.
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My waitress just told me her name and said to ask for her next time I'm here so needless to say I'll be promise ring shopping tonight.
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Sometimes we must learn to ask for what we need.
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Zero star tweets for $500, Alex.
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It’s easier to love someone you don’t really know because the mind fills blanks with perfections, instead of flaws.
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-- Do you love me? Simply choose one word - yes or no. -- Or.
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This entire Fall fashion season my dogs have been wearing a custom fit semi-light but durable fur pant suit
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You gonna need money with that hope.
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I'd totally stock my bathrooms with 2-ply toilet paper for most of you.
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" Curses! Foiled again!!" ~ Leftovers~
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After going to Walmart and looking around, I'm pretty sure I'm the cream of the crop.
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The problem nowadays is that the stupid are fucking confident and the smart are insecure.
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I would love to make a real, emotional connection with a man who wouldn't mind making booze runs.
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Twitter makes single vehicle accidents fun & utility pole ownership possible.
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Remember when just seeing a nipple slip was enough to get you off? Now we need hi-def cream pies while we're high and the dog is barking.
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All I wanna do is a tweet where I can use "rolls eyes and does jerk-off motion"...
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The secret to twitter? Don’t be an asshole.
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life ~ the funniest thing that isn't
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Think about how you would like to be portrayed in a movie & treat people accordingly.
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Ciabatta? More like Don'tbatta. Haha! Stupid bread.
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I know I left the washing on the line all night if I see a news report looking for a guy wearing a Zombie Tshirt & a pair of frilly panties.
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It's confusing when someone retweets something smart.
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Arguments FOR prop 8: Complicated, Long Winded, Logically Fallacious. Arguments AGAINST Prop 8: Equal Rights. I call Occam on this.
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*puts on sweatpants. gives up hope*
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Pfft, this isn't even the stupidest thing I do everyday.
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"She's terribly mischievous so she'll encourage you to join her in the mischief & it's cosmic mischief that is masquerading as dysfunction"
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if we were bears i'd wrestle you and then we'd walk down by the river and get some honey and get our paws all sticky
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I suffer from random memory loss. Some people call it politeness.
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I would watch a movie that had Antarctica a whale a cabin and pancakes. Like they just eat pancakes all day then go look for the whale.
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~ When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everyone will respect you. - Lao Tzu ♥
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man sometimes people can't see shit... twitter is a gold mine that hasn't been tapped yet
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"The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity." – Amelia Earhart ♥
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When people stress tweet, they don't harm anyone but others do get a view into the dark minds of people that should be talking to a shrink.
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Star ... star ... star ... and ohhhhhh I'd like to give that one 5 stars! *running my fingers down your Timeline*
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Multiple accounts, pretending and interacting with their other accounts. You always tell on yourselves. Keep going. Please. Eats popcorn*
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Here we are just floating around in space without Spock just wondering where our next freaky orgy is going to come from. captain out
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No skills or talent for anything whatsoever? Welcome to twitter.
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I just read your bio and I don’t like your rules.
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In the dark on a bus with a rainbow.
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*This is not a tweet* Just thought you could use some eye candy in your TL. Just paying it forward, people.
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..."And he faded away into the back alley of a city with a mangy dog & a broken tambourine where he lived happily ever after"...
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All men who have achieved great things have been dreamers. - Orison Swett Marden ♥
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My signature move is pretending to be happy & well adjusted when in fact, I'm in the throes of depression.
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That's the last time I try to dazzle a lady by putting glitter in my mustache.
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Remembering the days before tuna became middle class and let dolphin live in the same tin.
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I'm stuck training a new employee today.. He's a talker.
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One day I will come back to this place with silly string and end all of these people.
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I know some things. A few things. A couple. Two. Okay, one. I know one thing. Oh shit...I forgot it.
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Looking back, I think it was my failure to get his Star Wars reference that put the final nail in that particular coffin. There is no try.
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Just cause I'll follow anyone back...does not mean I won't block you cause the first stupid shit ya post...
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As it currently stands, I'm the funniest* person in my kitchen. *only.
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I've been eating strictly organic, so my poop is worth at least three times as much as yours.
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I just saw the police talking to a man wearing pink shorts, I knew it was illegal…
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In my TL there are two consecutive tweets about penguins by two unrelated people. This has made me very cheerful.
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I bet Hell is filled with software updates and treadmills.
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top of the library to u
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The humour in a tweet is inversely commensurate with how long it took to jesus fuck this tweet is boring
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New person yay! Oh good stuff! star star star star... racist tweet?! WTF?! Unstar unstar unstar ...slink away..take shower.
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We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be. - Kurt Vonnegut
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I finally have more followers than I follow. This Elite shit is AWESOME!
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Desperate for followers? 1) Find a bot 2) Follow every numbskull following said bot; they'll follow anyone and anything.
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You guys told me to cut loose the soul-sucking people in my life so I did but they keep ringing the doorbell and yelling "Mommy, let us in."
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the best person is a kind person who is even kinder in person.
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If you can't handle me at my best, well, I've got bad news for you...
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"Take it out on me, twist my nipples."
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I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not capable of eating cake or cupcakes gracefully.
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"Who's down with OCD?! Yeah, Purell me." -Neurotic By Nature
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Everyone is looking for a safe place inside a wonderful story.
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Have you ever walked into a room and forgot why you went in there? Well, that's how I lost my job as a firefighter.
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Oops, forgot to be a self-centered cunt, and ended up RTing awesome people.
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It's very disturbing that often, the folks you have the most conflict with are members of your own family. No wonder world peace is so hard.
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Glad my boss finally understands that I'm never late for work sometimes he's just early.
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dogfighting but with tea, cucumber sandwiches and no dog fighting
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I could delete a lot of these but then the reader wins.
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If hipsters weren't so risk averse, one could sit on the fancy bike clamped upright on the roof of the smart car while the other one drives.
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Wet Tshirt competitions should start with putting a spoon into a kitchen sink.
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I'm in a very serious relationship. We just met, but we never laugh. It's very serious.
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We all seem to be writing random crap for each other to read. I feeling like I should be doing more. nah...
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I only tweet while drunk to make it fair for the rest of you guys. Doing my best to level the playing field. One hand tied behind my back.
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At my age it's easy to hide the occasional pimple by simply growing my beard out ..!..
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Time for a nap or food or... I dunno my thumbs are tired. Think I'll visit Real Life.
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I went from having an ass that won't quit to one that resigned without even giving a two week notice.
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I'm on Twitter. What are you doing with your life?
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Telling him he's not "getting any" tonight because he brought home the wrong kind of bread, is just something funny we plan to do.
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I'm not one to start rumors, but I heard that
@TravLeBlanc gave Rob Delaney a pedicure just to get a retweet. -
If anyone wants a sponsor man, I'm available. For $20/month, you'll get a picture of me and a note about how I spent the money.
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I once stubbed my toe on an AA book when I was drunk, in case you were doubting my hilarity.
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Listening to a drunk guy trying to get a rebounding girl next door. So fascinating.
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There's absolutely NOTHING to do in Oregon so time to practice my Shaolin shadowboxing, Wu-Tang sword style. Bringing da ruckus.
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I like to stay up late and reflect on where my life went wrong while talking to strangers on the Internet.
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Starting tomorrow, I'm going to say "I applaud you sir!" to random people. You know, make them feel good about stuff.
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I'm practicing my chi control by using my subtle body to interact with my touchscreen. And my vibrator. And the remote. And my chi-chis. :-D
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Kindness is sexy.
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All begins in chaos until that one random action creates order, petals crowd together and suddenly, a rose.
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I fell in-love all over again with someone I am already madly in-love with & broke my hip. Kidding, I was trying to to do a keg stand.
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They'll take as much as you'll let them take. There's "fuck off" for everything else.
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You're only as good as your last retweet of one of my tweets.
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Hey Twitter, I'm back. *clapping* No stop it, I love you too!
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All you girls complaining about wanting a husband have obviously never had one!!!
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Okay, everybody just fucking back off. Unless you're going to try to make us laugh, keep your @-hole shut for the rest of the night.
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Soooo...how do blind people know if they are done wiping after they poop?
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Haven't tweeted in so long I think I'm about to take the SATs. The fate of my entire life & all of humanity rests upon this single analogy.
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Thank you to anyone who doesn't start drama or belittle others here. There's enough negativity in this world already.
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I got followed by a verified account. Everybody just act natural.
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Join twitter, tweet about your spouse, tweet about your twitter crush, live tweet your melt down, twittercide, come back as a cat.
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Because men can't, giraffes have to blow themselves or they die immediately after birth. Thems the rules.
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Sometimes I feel bad about all the shitty tweets I dump into my TL. But then I remember that some of those RTs might actually help someone.
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One can recognize a Twitter user by their ransom note: "I have you're wife. I want too thousand dollars. Put it their by the bush."
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I have a soft spot for the absurd ones here.
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The cat walked over the candle, now my kitchen smells like burnt cat ass
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taking pics of my nipples and playing with Lego. you?
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My brother kindly gave us his room while we're in town, but I can't sleep because I know at least 12 boogers are touching me right now.
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If you're stupid and you know it...I'm impressed.
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OK, this is kind of bullshit that I haven't been mentioned in Twitt Gossiper yet. Who wants to start a scandal with me?
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I know you're all hanging out without me and I just want to say that I understand.
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It's time to clean your house when the dust bunnies ask you for a carrot.
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The sense of urgency is weak with this one.
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You think it's bad having a double chin? Imagine how men feel having quadruple skins. (Foreskins)
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Why do I feel like I'm trapped in an Escher drawing when trying to get out of parking garages?
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Who wants to come over and watch me star my own tweets
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The only explanation I can give about what's happening in my life is that my planets fuck each other.
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And in other news, warm fuzzy feelings are talking about condoms and hot dogs, I have no idea.
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Letting go of something bad in your life, isn't a sign of failure, it's a sign of maturity that you're finally taking care of yourself.
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Sometimes I retweet your subtweets as a subtweet back to you. You know who you are. Jim
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What if getting married was more like waving? You could be like 'Oh Sorry judge! I was trying to marry the person BEHIND him.'
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everything is edible or lickable or fire
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By the way, I'm sure no one would be surprised at how we pronounce "Dumas" in Texas.
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You're all silly. And I like it. And love most of you. So shut it poopy head Xxx
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i guess somebody can't help it if they're stunningly beautiful. still it's kinda mean
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Put the twitter down.
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Life can suck, but as long as I never end up 1 of the cartoon characters in the Yahoo homepage comments section I figure I'm good
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You're tellin' me, all those E.T.s are smart enough to build a spaceship & come steal our pine needles, but not to do a damn headcount???
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I love getting old especially the part where I get hurt doing nothing
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I am the splinter. Yall are the tweezers. Lets dance.
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No, I don't have ADD. I have twitter.
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having a deep, emotional conversation with my vagina.
@Nimrod_Nation
phil davidson
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SAYYRUH
miss shushy paws
Lilly
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michele
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Labels: #ftwot, #gaf, #gsoav, #jsntf, #tbot, tweets, twitter
posted by Taranonymous Reads Not the Book of Tweet @ 4:22 PM
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