@brokefloormat's timeline on Twitter .. 1 of 2
Tweets
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Respond in kind.
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I bought you from your clique leader for 30 rupees.
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Sitting lonely by the phone is uncalled for.
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Jesus took the wheel ... Actually all four of them to be exact ... I was in the bad part of Bethlehem ...
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My signature move is pronouncing bologna phonetically.
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All we want right now is a chip implant that transmits to our brain what channel Cartoon Network is on no matter what city we're in.
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Rate myself? I don't just the raise the bar on personal performance, I AM THE BAR. Well, technically I sit AT the bar. Same thing. Whatever.
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According to the musical theory of Darwin, somewhere, right about now, a Ratt fan is beating up a Phish fan. For no apparent reason.
#gsoav -
"He was the life of the party" sounds much nicer than "he was the night's drunkest idiot".
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True power is not feeling the need to belong to any clique, organization, or social circle. True power is independence.
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Out-tricked at his own game of pretend.
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Of course I balance my checkbook. *puts checkbook on finger* TADAAH!
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Gimme a row of glass walls and a nice heavy golf club.
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You are absolutely fine. There's nothing wrong with you. They just don't know what they're talking about.
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I retweet a lot because it keeps me from hooking.
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ME. I think he has mental health issues. I'm getting all the signs he's Borderline. GUY AT PARTY. Sorry, are we talking about a turtle?
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A guy just said "You can't win'em all" so I beat him. There's a lesson in that somewhere.
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Well Im a college student so I'd have less availability come autumn however, I do love rotisserie chicken so who knows what the future holds
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The man on TV says he thinks Jonah's whale was a submarine built by a race of undersea dwelling extraterrestrials. Meesa don't likin' da.
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Hey ladies, why not Instagram something useful, like pics of the stuff we're not suppose to put in the dryer.
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There are moments, as us educated alcoholics like to call it, moments of clarity, where we can make things in the world Allright.
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The Instant Classics band: “The Lion Sleeps on E Street”.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Cs-JqFw1iY&sns=tw … via
@youtube -
poked prodded bruised & whipped no color no sound no thought dreams just rips & bite marks at the seams of a sugar coated nervous breakdown
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The only thing more contagious than negativity is positivity.
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I'm not popular enough to be different but this was the only sandwich I had.
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If you love something, subject it to endless cliches. Or set it free. Whatever.
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ME. I'm reckless. I love someone who's indifferent to me. HE. How long? ME. I got him for my birthday in 2010. Good swimmer.
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Made a voodoo doll of myself so I don't have to bend over to wash my feet in the shower anymore.
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If I was you guys I’d think I was way funnier…….. than you do now.
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You know the little man in the boat?...I think mine may have capsized and drowned from all the vigorous waving after losing his oar.
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My laser eyebeams of love are kinda out of control right now & sorta want to take out Fox News. And a Hooters.
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He just fed my chickens on Farmville. Which, of course, is code for "He just put it in my butt".
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I once licked my dogs sack and sniffed the ass of the bitch next door just to see what all the fuss was about. I still don't get it :/
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My martial arts style: I say a clever one-liner after every punch like they do in the action movies... I get beat up a lot.
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#SelfFact I haven stolen a limo. It's a long story and even I don't really understand parts of it. -
Yes I read the rules in their entirety and decided that they don't apply to me.
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"The best has yet to come" Stop threatening me.
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No. YOU just asked a tank full of feeder roaches "Where my bitches at?".
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Sometimes I use the ‘monkey theory of stock picking’ to determine follow backs…
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Just saw account with 3900 followers and no tweets. Now I know what I've been doing wrong.
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I’m just a girl, standing in my closet wondering why I gave all my fat jeans away.
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There's only one real secret to Twitter, and that is TWEET. Tweet your stupid fucking heart out, the rest sorts itself.
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Lets face it, tramp stamps are really just fancy UPC codes
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Maybe NOT covering the walls in seemingly random numbers is crazy maybe YOU'RE crazy MAYBE you're a spoon, who knows
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I'm presenting at a career fair today. My speech? Stay the fuck away from twitter.
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I don't have a Twitter crush. You know, 'cause I'm not insane.
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Ms. McGee, it is a lovely red bandana, but.. It doesn’t match the golf outfit Mr. Kriskrossferson said he'd wear backwards for me.
#tbot -
You said your friend came for weed. Had no idea you were referring to hydroponic pot and a bong that changed into a magic vibrator.
#ftwot -
Thank-you ♥ If you stumble, make it part of the dance. ~ Unkown
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So, I've got all these french fries stuck up my nose, and they smell different. It must be my allergies. Or maybe it's the new oil.
#tbot -
Fret. It gets worse. Okay, fine. It doesn't. But, the news refused to run that story.
#ftwot -
"I firmly believe dog poop is recyclable," I sincerely proclaim, after I've missed the regular trash pick up.
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Let's make it really awkward. I'll go first.
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I can only imagine having your significant-other follow you on Twitter is just…a fan-fucking-tastic way to implode.
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My dog understands more English than my grandmother did, and she lived here for 30 years. But in fairness to her, Spot is super smart.
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I feel like saying “I love you” to everyone that’s being nice to me.
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Anarchy, bitches.
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Just accept not knowing who somebody really is as the blessing it is and move on.
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Defend you? Pfft. Not if it'll cost me my Favstar status.
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Twitter ... because it's the world's biggest and best playground.
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Never watched hockey until tonight. When do they do the triple lutz and the sow cow? Did I miss that part?
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*filibusters TL*
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all the poor little kids nowadays who aren't directions
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the only opinions i care about are from people who understand that their opinions are just another thing like a bug crawling on a leaf
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age is just a number it's 1000
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Bike riders are street peddlers trying to sell me guilt. An exercise in futility. I'm flat broke. Like a coin-less joke floormat.
#ftwot -
Omfg Octopus Battle via Kitchen Stadium! If I had 7 more pussies, I c'd cover so much more ground. Can you EVEN fuckin' imagine airtight?
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I suggestively @’d myself. The circle is now complete.
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My gas-powered leaf-blower informed me that it is also doing the ‘Cord’s work’, & to capitalize the C. I told it to shut up & blow.
#tbot -
Sometimes when I see a zero in a particular font all I see is a one until I realize it is surrounded by light, and I remember I am too.
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I don't know anymore is a great thing to say when you never really knew in the first place.
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well i just been here top the roof w a rooster pointing the way the wind blows an she had to go write that mean song
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when do we start voting people off this thing?
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That was cute. And disgusting. Gotta lay off the acid & get him a Zyrtec. Heard cat say it & spray it: "I can haz sneezboogers."
#tbot -
Had wanted Steven Tyler to stay on American Idol. Related: Was hoping Aerosmith would break up.
#tbot -
Tried preaching to the choir; but I don't think anyone heard me. None of 'em would shut the fuck up. They just kept on singing.
#tbot -
Despite what you think you saw me doing on TV last night, I don’t know how to speak any sign language, so I must've just had a cramp.
#tbot -
We are the zombies we’ve been waiting for. Or we’re Adam’s ants. I just totally forgot which one it was.
#tbot -
Found out from my alien buddy that last word in Bible, "Amen," is a typo. Original word was: Ahem. As in, *wink wink*, kidding, yo.
#tbot -
~“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” Dr. Seuss ♥
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Played my cards right. bought yacht to see world Rolled the dice. They sank. got lost at sea Not Yahtzee. Not even close.
#tbot -
I've got a fever, but the only prescription that I need is.. Good guess. Close. Less bullhorn.
#tbot -
I’m not sendin'sub tweets.I’m a misunderstood person,like Donald Trump.....The man just tryin'to fix a rockabilly haircut with the wrong way
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Tweet as if 99% of your followers don't read your tweets, because it's true.
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I don't allow hate in my heart, so if you're big or small, young or old, and you're a bully, then I just don't fucking like you.
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.. "Seed Library" of Pima County Public Library http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asU9ldnJoEk&sns=tw … via
@youtube .. -
In a free version of the Kamasutra for the IPad, all positions are uncomfortable.
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Everyone tries to out do everyone else on Twitter only to end up committing Twittercide.
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Ian Fleming wrote all the James Bond novels in the last 11 years of his life. It's never too late to make your mark.
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motion for fish to have more colors and do more little jumps
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They always call to tell u they love u when ur asleep & they're high. Don't love me. Love ur family, clean up, & pay back the money u owe
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BRB... time to go plant my faux "Topless Sunbathing In This Area Only" signs.
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I'm patient, but not "wait for five minutes" patient.
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Take it out, or zip it up.
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Ew. Some chick coming out of church bumped into me, and got her morals and values all over me. I can smell it in my hair. Wicked gross.
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Are Zebras really a different animal? Or are they just horses making a fashion statement?
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If I said you had a beautiful body would you go get me some fucking ice cream?
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If you didn't star my tweet, I assume you didn't understand it. Don't worry, I'll keep repeating it until you do.
#GenerousTweeter -
Replying to my mentions like a commoner.
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When I don't like a tweet I tried to hide it, not by deleting it, but by retweeting people.
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I'm always judging you, but that's only because I care.
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Wallflowers of the world: keep singing your song, you beautiful bastards.
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Call me a stickler, but is anyone else confounded by the lyric "Our house, in the middle of our street"?
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Tweet like you have nothing to say.
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Masking grief with humor, it's how we cope. It's why we get along so well.
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If you're mediocre and you know it, form a clique.
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This meteorologist keeps talking about "a disturbance" but she never adds "in the Force" so I don't have a clue what she's talking about.
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Whenever my cat gives me the nod I know something wild & wacky is about to happen.
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I'll give a fuckin cookie alright.....
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Peggy Hill shut up and let Hank finish one fucking sentence. And suck his floppy dingle now & then how bout that you bossy bitch you ..!..
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I think Favstar locked me out. I don't give a fuck.
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Muppet Show - Mahna Mahna http://j.mp/Unb0mE
#NowPlaying *giggles madly**bops head**dances sitting on the sofa* *giggles* -
Every kiss begins with my ass.
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Too cold for ice cream, too far for donuts.. this is probably how all the dinosaurs died.
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I don't care what anyone says but the grocery store totally started playing Brick House because I just walked in.
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my arms are too short to box with god, but once a month, my bosoms heave toward the heavens and attempt to wrestle.
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Size does matter. I like folks with big hearts.
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No, not the Iron Man costume! You're Captain America tonight. Now...put on the mask and do me.
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I appreciate all of you that let me occasionally vent. Pretty sure we all deserve a little latitude to be who we are.
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The collection agency's starting to sound desperate. I lost interest. Nothing's less attractive than desperation.
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Next time on "Undercover Boss": boss is disheartened, sobs, realizes dreams are a waste, fires everyone and then quits before the reveal
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You lost me at 'the bible says'.
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Like it or not, I'm seriously under followed.
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♥ "The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity." – Amelia Earhart
#LoveScopes ♥ -
Son: Mom what does *home cooked meal* mean? ...Me: Oh don't worry honey that's just for poor people... WHAT?? He had me cornered!
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Everyday I like 2learn something. 2day I learn raspberries hav small pips which get stuck between teeth. Not big day in search 4 knowledge.
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Don't let the treasures of your heart get buried in the shit storms of life.
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The only thing I can do is my best.
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thanks to this moat, i don't let shit get to me
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Dont be a dick just be nice it's that easy
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Automotonaphobia- fear of anything human like. Mannequins, dolls, people on twitter.
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Try 2 explain Twitter 2 friend. Fact I am followed by horse, 3 dogs, cat, brown paper bag and a vegetable I don't recognise, doesn't help.
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If I could change one thing about the world it would be this lady's haircut.
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You could be doing something better with your life than being on Twitter, like what people without Twitter do...stare mindlessly at a TV.
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"There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great & no tonic so powerful as expectation of something tomorrow." – Orison Swett Marden ♥
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If u r on Twotter &u meet a rotter Do u just give em a block? Or show em ur a rock? Or try&find their good side No matter how well it hide?
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Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no ones definition of your life, define yourself ~ R. Frost
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I love you. Now, say it back.
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Oddly enough, the list of things I'm not good at and the list of things I don't like to do are very similar.
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I'm considering a career change. How much does the guy that pees in the Pepsi bottles right before they fill them a make per year?
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I spend all my second chances like the tourists throwing seeds to the pigeons.(for nothing)
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A soft shout out and gentle hug to those secretly crying at work right now. Hanging on without choice. <3
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Some will do anything to help you. Others will do anything for their own gain. When you learn the difference, you win.
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I'm the smuggest motherfucker in this unemployment office, I don't give a fuck...
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There's some funny, thought provoking and, all in all, great stuff on here. Just thought you should know.
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If your values supercede your lust for stars (validation) you are my kind of people.
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No such thing as an innocent bystander. Speak up, do something, or you're just as guilty as the abuser.
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Never thought I'd ever see so many people afraid of an application, a game. I'm so sorry.
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Thank you to those who get it, in your real life and on Twitter.
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@Beefmonarch I was blocked by fstar in May. It continues to cause me problems. -
@Beefmonarch He didn't reply when asked. I assume it was because I complained about tech problems in tweets. And a couple of his friends... -
@jscottwilson He and his pals posted a nasty parody account,@boringtheo. Most have deleted their stars, but it still appears. -
@beingtheo I really don't understand why anyone would get mad at you, you're very sweet. Is this Tim who did that? -
@BronxCheer48 Tim along with a group of his pets. Long story, but I try to bring it up weekly so ppl know why I'm not there. Thank you. -
I'm the cheap date on Twitter. You can't even buy me a TOTD. But you do show me your love.
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A waffle breakfast & a little understanding in 1978 would've prevented most of these tweets.
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I have 2 wireless routers and a satellite dish. Sometimes I pick up my neighbor's thoughts. He thinks about pizza a lot.
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Judging by my own experience, twitter is more fun once you stop looking for vaginas and start looking for friends.
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Hell is conservative talk radio and family on an endless loop.
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I will crush your pixie girlfriend between my real girl thighs.
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Every intelligent person understands that there's something wrong with them.
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Had a busy day standing in front of the 99 cents store, wearing my "I heart peen" sandwich board and ringing my bell.
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Don't think I didn't notice you unfollowed me. But hey! Your new follow ratio looks soo cool! Such a badass now.
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Follow me to the bathroom like we're going to have sex.
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You can tell a lot about a person by who they retweet.
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Just because Favstar blocked me, you didn't have to forget me.
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I have decided I’m not going to dwell on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, tough shit.
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You'd think these old dudes would be more stealth about checking out boobs by this point in life
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Took me a second, then I spit my beer all over the pool table. pic.twitter.com/bfZlWmXwxF
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I wish "Where's your toy?! Go find your toy!" worked on people, too.
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Is that a cupcake in your pocket, or are you going to have to go back out and get me one?
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It's unfair that in near future hasn't invented the time travel & my future self can't send me help.~Random thoughts in front of ATM machine
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Lets see 16+8 carry the 1...nope still equals bitchface buttgobbler, move along
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Having a profession is the world's oldest form of prostitution.
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If somebody doesn't tell me what's up with these damn crop circles and why lil' burgers are called sliders, I'm drop kicking a nun.
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Instead of a life coach I have a monkey that sits on my head and flings his poo at whatever he thinks doesn't benefit my life's goals.
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If you put Skittles inside your panties and shake your butt people will think you're a rattlesnake.
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Where do people go when they unfollow???... Is it a better place???
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*loses virginity to cheeseburger*
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w looks like vv, not uu... that's where we went off the rails.
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You don't like my tweets because they require a sophisticated pallet, doo-doo head.
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Don't worry, 6 out of 10 people won't see you've mispelled that word...
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Filling your vagina full of Skittles right before your gynecology appointment is a great ice-breaker and shows your doctor you're super fun.
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You should learn from the past, by never returning to it.
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Just voted for myself in every single category for the Twitter Awards. YOLO.
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Don't judge a person until you've stayed a week in their round rubber room & worn their straightjacket.
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Haven't had sex in like 24 hours and it's starting to make me think I might have to wake someone up.
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RL friends say twitter is just inane ramblings,but I find the tines of a fork blends the milk in my coffee way more efficiently than a spoon
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When did moaning in the shower shift from crazy sex to bending over to reach the soap?
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My greatest skill would have to be making any normal interaction as awkward as humanly possible.
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Alec Baldwin said "I was born to spit on Rupert Murdoch" and like I don't know but that's like super weird.
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Amazed that there are so many people on earth that have NEVER made a mistake; & how they all end up leaving comments online.
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Its all beautiful and amazing until the Starlings show up.
#birds -
Never fall in love with someone's potential if they don't realize it, you never will~ deep thoughts by Ashley
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A 14 year old made the cut at the masters. I'd already beat Pokemon blue at that age, so yeah, I kinda know what he's feeling
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you can keep your duck..it has no sense of humor,its not invited to my party
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If hollywood has tought me anything, it's that child stars always go mental
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I'm skinny. I'm almost entirely covered in skin, I'm plenty skinny.
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i dont think the neighbors really get me
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Chances are if you had trouble spelling a word with 5 or more letters, we don't know what it fucking means anyways.
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I live in a mad house ruled by a tiny army that i made myself
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A Shaman gave me this to tweet in a dream last night. Nudity is better than Oldity. And I was all like, you sure?
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I'm wearing a Chicago Cubs hat today because Hugs from Random Strangers Rock!
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You can't put penalized and strokes that close in proximity and expect me not to laugh! pic.twitter.com/UmKN0RpBgh
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"I'd penalize your wood in two strokes!" ... I said, as we laughed about how lame golf is.
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We get it, Christians! You love Jesus. I love Scooby Doo... But I don't mention him in every conversation I have with other human people.
Rug Hugabley
KingAmir
Skipper Stevens
Edfoot McKrunchy
Barbie Apocalypse
Just Call Me Frank™©
Desperate Loser
alex carbajal
Jesus Jaramillo
Eric Komans
gordon
Boiled Wieners
Mediocre Marvel
Dolores
H∅TMessBarbie™®
Nickels
Bar HoPpInG Bunny
sex out the city, ok
Anonymous Vagabond
CatasTrophy
O'Tits-o P.d.Q.
Rusty
Jimmy
Monica
Crash Ferrari
Kim Shannon
WhatserName
SpaceSquirrel
Nevermind
Bar
Susan W
Southern Insomniac
Rainbow Brite
Mytwoscentz
hashtagtractor
Wimpy Pillow
LoveScopes
Evil Schwartzie
Allison Sullivan
Indian Bread Maker
Uncle JP the Janitor
Duey Oxberger
Theodora Chester
From the desk of ...
Hushpuppy 5¢
Scarlett Fever
Madame LaCrooz
sweet p
System Failure
Tanya Johnston
Travis LeBlanc
Don Pearyawn
Queen of the Damned
Scott Taylor
Vocally Harsh
Nobody In Particular
Czar M
Code Grump
Michael B Inlaoninni
Justin Credible
Chrisanna4real
Justin Walker™
Lilly
Gone
Kay
The Dork
VirgoSherry
snicky
Commandant Grayza
Emily Gray
Jimmy Crapscorn™
miss shushy paws
freckle face
NutTy wiFe
Vandal
Maria Carreon
@DrSalsaPants
Tweeter B-32
C C
blunder rated
AngieDavisheartspeen
Yes It's Al
Wistful Blue
☆♡Heavens_Devil♥★
Maudlin Agency
MeshaWho?
Scott Hellrising!
vaudeville vamp
secksual grandpa
Theodore Roy
meat tenderizer™
PrincessCandyEmpire
M. Jansen
Sly
L. David Sloane
phoxie-baux
VodkaAdeleJung
Mike Driscoll
tdjukic
Sherry
Ashley
Matt James
clinton
The Antisocialite
C. J. Funkenstein
Linda
Christopher Gotti
Evelyn Psyde
Labels: #ftwot, #gaf, #gsoav, #jsntf, #tbot, tweets, twitter
posted by Taranonymous Reads Not the Book of Tweet @ 9:04 PM
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